Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

Tomorrow.

In the midst of writing papers, formulating teaching projects, learning the ins and out of IV tubing, and the endless grind that is studying, I’ve come to realize something. My elusive someday is about to arrive. You see, after three and a half years of slogging through endless schoolwork, thinking about “someday” when I’ll be able to be an actual person, I’m nearing the end. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m hoping that it’s not a train.

College was hard. It’s where I realized that I wasn’t nearly as special or smart or talented as I thought. It’s where I first experienced real loneliness and rock-bottom, clinical depression. It’s the years my grandpa died, my memere followed, and my family fell to pieces. It’s where I learned that my joints were wrong and they would never be right. It’s where I traded in some of my idealism and optimism for a heavy dose of cynicism and anger. It’s where I had to fight against the nay-sayers who told me over and over that I had no business being a nurse. It’s when I ended  a relationship with one of the very best friends I ever had, leaving a gap that I still can’t quite fill. It’s where I learned that keeping my mouth shut and retreating into a quiet world is the best way to stay alive.

Needless to say, college was rough. But I’m 24 days out from graduation. I potentially have my dream job lined up. I have been cleared to graduate, if I pass my last classes. I just got my first car, and scheduled my appointment to get contacts so I can finally feel like a normal person. My family is all in one place for the first time in years, and I think I’ve finally met some friends that I can trust to be there for me. I may have even found a church with like-minded people.

But I’m scared. I’ve been beaten down for so long, I’m worried that I’ll get right up to Someday, and it’ll slip away again. I’d like to believe that all my hard work is about to pay off, but I’m terrified that it’ll be snatched away, and I’ll have to linger in disappointment for another indefinite amount of time. I did what I had to do to get through school – I ignored people, I always put my schoolwork in front of everything, and when people needed help, I hid, afraid to share my time and compromise the time that I had set aside for school. I’ve been selfish. And with all that, I certainly don’t think that I deserve a a boatload of good.

I’ve been stuck in a holding pattern. I know, I know, I should have made the most of life in right that moment, but school overshadowed everything, leaving me forever exhausted and so stressed out that my last blood pressure read 143/95 (That’s pretty high, by the way.) I want real life to start. I want to help people. I want life to be beautiful again. I want to regain my optimism. I want to like people again. I want my health back.  I want to find joy again.

Is that too much to ask?

I hope Someday really is right around the corner.

Couch potato lifestyle.

First off, I could never be an actual couch potato – I don’t own a couch and I am in fact a human bean. So, that is out….

But in all seriousness, I just spent my entire measly paycheck on various medical supplies to offset my most recent bicycle crash, the pain that comes with logging 80 miles (!) in one week, and the arthritis like pain developing in my wrists and fingers due to excessive and hard restaurant work. If I were to lead a more sedentary lifestyle, I would probably be in less pain and would be more wealthy… but I would I be richer? What a lame life!

I’m really, really, REALLY glad that I can ride my bike and work such a stressful job and still be, for the most part, okay. I’m even more glad for days off to relax and let my body rest and heal.

You know is frustrating, though? I have a legitimate excuse to be a couch potato – I have a syndrome, and I still do things, regardless of the pain. Lots of people, many in my friend circle included, don’t have any problems except laziness, yet they refuse to capitalize on the fact that they, a. have strong healthy bodies, or b. could potentially have a strong, healthy body with a little work. ARGH. It frustrates me.

Anyways…. I gotta go chill. I’m going to gymnastics tonight.

Fearless music!

Why are people so timid about music? I mean, people generally pick a genre that they like and then never explore anything outside of it, and that’s really sad.

But what is even more sad is when you find a great, but out there kind of band, and no one will listen to it because fast and furious rock opera music based off a 1980s video game is not there thing. (The Protomen are actually excellent, by the way)

For instance, I have recently been introduced to something called “chiptunes”. There remixers take 8 bit sound effects and work them into electronic dance music sounds. Although a lot of it is just noise, some of it it really excellent and worth listening too. I mean, at least there is some sense of creativity involved, right?

People like to throw around words like, “hipster”, and “arrogant”, and “music snob”, when they talk to me, but really, I just love music that is musically good and lyrically creative. I don’t want to hear any more dongs about one night stand and drinking lots of booze and that one perfect person that made your life complete.

I get scoffed at for my great love of owl city, but if you can get past the girly voice, his lyrics are interesting. They’re clever. He weaves worn metaphors and sayings into something fresh and new. His music sometimes follows the basic C-G-Am-F progression, but sometimes he throws you for a loop, and its great.

Or Andrew Bird! I mean, the guy doesn’t even have a genre because he’s so unique. And his lyrics sound like nonsense, until you listen to them over and over and over and realize that he is actually addressing deep and worrisome issues that people are faced with everyday.

I’m sure that most mainstream musicians love what they do and sing what they mean… but it’s lame. And it’s dumb. And…..it’s dumb. And it’s lame.

So, go listen to something new. Try a rock opera, or chiptunes. Look up OverClocked Remix, and then turn on some 80s alternative rock. Maybe some whispered indie folk pop like Iron & Wine, Noah & the whale, or Sea Wolf? Oh, and Andrew Bird. Lots of Andrew Bird.