Posts Tagged ‘sad’

Tomorrow.

In the midst of writing papers, formulating teaching projects, learning the ins and out of IV tubing, and the endless grind that is studying, I’ve come to realize something. My elusive someday is about to arrive. You see, after three and a half years of slogging through endless schoolwork, thinking about “someday” when I’ll be able to be an actual person, I’m nearing the end. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m hoping that it’s not a train.

College was hard. It’s where I realized that I wasn’t nearly as special or smart or talented as I thought. It’s where I first experienced real loneliness and rock-bottom, clinical depression. It’s the years my grandpa died, my memere followed, and my family fell to pieces. It’s where I learned that my joints were wrong and they would never be right. It’s where I traded in some of my idealism and optimism for a heavy dose of cynicism and anger. It’s where I had to fight against the nay-sayers who told me over and over that I had no business being a nurse. It’s when I ended  a relationship with one of the very best friends I ever had, leaving a gap that I still can’t quite fill. It’s where I learned that keeping my mouth shut and retreating into a quiet world is the best way to stay alive.

Needless to say, college was rough. But I’m 24 days out from graduation. I potentially have my dream job lined up. I have been cleared to graduate, if I pass my last classes. I just got my first car, and scheduled my appointment to get contacts so I can finally feel like a normal person. My family is all in one place for the first time in years, and I think I’ve finally met some friends that I can trust to be there for me. I may have even found a church with like-minded people.

But I’m scared. I’ve been beaten down for so long, I’m worried that I’ll get right up to Someday, and it’ll slip away again. I’d like to believe that all my hard work is about to pay off, but I’m terrified that it’ll be snatched away, and I’ll have to linger in disappointment for another indefinite amount of time. I did what I had to do to get through school – I ignored people, I always put my schoolwork in front of everything, and when people needed help, I hid, afraid to share my time and compromise the time that I had set aside for school. I’ve been selfish. And with all that, I certainly don’t think that I deserve a a boatload of good.

I’ve been stuck in a holding pattern. I know, I know, I should have made the most of life in right that moment, but school overshadowed everything, leaving me forever exhausted and so stressed out that my last blood pressure read 143/95 (That’s pretty high, by the way.) I want real life to start. I want to help people. I want life to be beautiful again. I want to regain my optimism. I want to like people again. I want my health back.  I want to find joy again.

Is that too much to ask?

I hope Someday really is right around the corner.

Why I will forever be single.

I have been in one relationship in my entire life, and it ended after three years when I realized that he simply wasn’t the man that I wanted to marry. Was there more to it than that? Yeah, but that all is besides the point. The point is, for the first time in my life, I am in a place where I can date. There are people of all kind, not just the mere 20 I went to highschool with (it was a small Christian school). But I’ve found an unfortunate thing.

See, I’m waiting until I’m married to sleep with anyone. Part of it is my old-fashioned morals, part of it is a desire to avoid disease and an accidental pregnancy, and part of it is a bit of hopeless romantic in me that wants to wait for my one true love. Sounds good right?

Apparently not. I was in a brief, uh, thing? with a guy for a couple of weeks, and it seemed great. I liked him, he liked me, we had a lot of common and our dates were really fun. And then I dropped that bomb on him, and he completely wrote me off. Sure, he still texts and said he wants to be friends, but the message was clear: if you are in a relationship, you owe the other person your body. And if you are unwilling to do that, they will move on to someone who is.

Granted, I could go to church and find a nice church boy, but I know from experience that they push the limits too, and generally, they aren’t very interesting or manly.

If that is what people expect out of relationships nowadays, fine, do what you will. I really don’t care, but I don’t want to be involved in it. But it’s terribly disheartening to know that it doesn’t matter how smart or funny or pretty or successful or interesting I am – if I don’t put out, I’m out.

I hope some guy appreciates me someday. I think I’ve got a lot going for me – I’ve mastered all the domestic arts, I have a college education in the nursing profession, I dabble in a range of interests, and can be happy inside or out. I play music, ride bikes, cooks delicious things, take photographs, grow plants, ride dirtbikes, and know how to do my hair effectively. Yet, no one seems interested.

Ah well. I guess my person is just going to turn out to be five cats.