Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Why I will forever be single.

I have been in one relationship in my entire life, and it ended after three years when I realized that he simply wasn’t the man that I wanted to marry. Was there more to it than that? Yeah, but that all is besides the point. The point is, for the first time in my life, I am in a place where I can date. There are people of all kind, not just the mere 20 I went to highschool with (it was a small Christian school). But I’ve found an unfortunate thing.

See, I’m waiting until I’m married to sleep with anyone. Part of it is my old-fashioned morals, part of it is a desire to avoid disease and an accidental pregnancy, and part of it is a bit of hopeless romantic in me that wants to wait for my one true love. Sounds good right?

Apparently not. I was in a brief, uh, thing? with a guy for a couple of weeks, and it seemed great. I liked him, he liked me, we had a lot of common and our dates were really fun. And then I dropped that bomb on him, and he completely wrote me off. Sure, he still texts and said he wants to be friends, but the message was clear: if you are in a relationship, you owe the other person your body. And if you are unwilling to do that, they will move on to someone who is.

Granted, I could go to church and find a nice church boy, but I know from experience that they push the limits too, and generally, they aren’t very interesting or manly.

If that is what people expect out of relationships nowadays, fine, do what you will. I really don’t care, but I don’t want to be involved in it. But it’s terribly disheartening to know that it doesn’t matter how smart or funny or pretty or successful or interesting I am – if I don’t put out, I’m out.

I hope some guy appreciates me someday. I think I’ve got a lot going for me – I’ve mastered all the domestic arts, I have a college education in the nursing profession, I dabble in a range of interests, and can be happy inside or out. I play music, ride bikes, cooks delicious things, take photographs, grow plants, ride dirtbikes, and know how to do my hair effectively. Yet, no one seems interested.

Ah well. I guess my person is just going to turn out to be five cats.

Laughter.

Laughter is good for the soul, you know? I think I’m going to end up living until about 130 years old because I laugh so much. Also, in a conversation with a friend, I realized that I never outgrew my overwhelming propension for doing stupid things that crack me up.

For instance, Today, knowing that one roommate was gone and another was going to be asleep for another couple of hours, I made it a point to sit on all the furniture in the house incorrectly, and only stopped when the combination of flopped over an armrest and laughing started to hurt.

A couple of days ago, I “broke up” with a guy I had been casually seeing because of irreconcilable differences, but I miss him. So when a song called, “Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop” came up on the radio (we had met at a coffeehouse), I actually threw my phone at the television. Luckily, I realized this was crazy and slowed the throw just before it left my hand, so my phone just kind of fell on the floor. And that cracked me up. So pathetic.

I was bussing at the restaurant I work at last night, and found out that I could sneak out the back door with dishes and run up the side alley to put them away without any customers seeing me. The wait staff did, and probably wondered what kind of crazy their boss hired this time, but I was enjoying myself.

I bought brake cables to fix my bicycle’s back brakes, which have been out of commission for several months now, but I like looking at the way they are wrapped up like a fancy bracelet too much to actually use them for their intended purpose.

And finally, my coffee maker thing messed up and dumped nearly all the grounds in my cup of coffee this morning, something that I did not notice until I did, in fact, swallow an entire mouthful of coffee grounds. I’m pretty sure I’m hearing colors right now.

My life is amusing.

Couch potato lifestyle.

First off, I could never be an actual couch potato – I don’t own a couch and I am in fact a human bean. So, that is out….

But in all seriousness, I just spent my entire measly paycheck on various medical supplies to offset my most recent bicycle crash, the pain that comes with logging 80 miles (!) in one week, and the arthritis like pain developing in my wrists and fingers due to excessive and hard restaurant work. If I were to lead a more sedentary lifestyle, I would probably be in less pain and would be more wealthy… but I would I be richer? What a lame life!

I’m really, really, REALLY glad that I can ride my bike and work such a stressful job and still be, for the most part, okay. I’m even more glad for days off to relax and let my body rest and heal.

You know is frustrating, though? I have a legitimate excuse to be a couch potato – I have a syndrome, and I still do things, regardless of the pain. Lots of people, many in my friend circle included, don’t have any problems except laziness, yet they refuse to capitalize on the fact that they, a. have strong healthy bodies, or b. could potentially have a strong, healthy body with a little work. ARGH. It frustrates me.

Anyways…. I gotta go chill. I’m going to gymnastics tonight.

Life

I should be studying. I should always be studying. But I’m writing out thoughts while enjoying this lovely spring weather.

I’m at a weird point in my life. I recently found that my numerous joint troubles and other vague somatic complaints can be summed up in a single syndrome: Hypermobility Joint Syndrome. Basically, the connective tissue necessary to hold my joint in their sockets is almost non-existent and weak, and my muscles are then being joint holder-inners and muscles, so when they wear out… my joint dislocate. In addition to weak joints, people with HJS are always cold, always clumsy, and are at risk for a whole slew of scary things like chronic pain, early-onset arthritis, and mitral valve prolapse.

I’m not allowed to run anymore, which has unfortunately killed my dreams of racing Usain Bolt someday, and becoming the ultramarathon queen of America. Darn. But I can weight train to make my joints stronger, and then maybe I’ll be able to survive without handfuls of pain pills or a wheel chair.

I realize that there are significantly worse things that could happen to me, but it still sucks to know that at 20 years old, I have limitations that will never, never, ever go away. And I have to work harder than the average person to reach a level of functioning of an average person.

All right. I’m done feeling sorry for myself in that regards. At least it’s not cancer, yeah?

Recently, I reached the six month point of a terrible breakup, and it’s got me pretty down. I acknowledged that fact by reading a bunch of old letters, and it was heart-rending and I regretted it. I am daily haunted by by the guilt of how I dragged the break-up out by never giving him a straight answer. I just hope that the poor way I handled things never turns him off to the idea of love, because someday, someone will cherish him.

But as for me, I don’t attract men. Only women. And the occasional autistic man (he asked me out on a date. I said no. It was awkward), and everytime I think that maybe I’m liking the idea of dating again, I am held back by the thought that I may break someone’ heart again. My own sadness and disappointment and hurt I can handle… when I cause someone else’s, I just.. I just can’t. And since my future hopefully holds a several trips with Doctor’s Without Borders, I don’t think any kind of relationship would be a good idea. It would involve being away for nine months at a time with no leave, and I can’t bear to make someone wait for me again.

Sometimes I hate my ex. I was not touchy and pleased to be that way, and he changed that. Now I find myself craving physical touch, and there is no where or one I can go to for it. I think that the Song of Solomon had it right when it said, “Do not arouse or awake love until it so desires”, because the lack of it in my life has left an achingly vacant hole that keeps me up at night. Granted, I don’t regret any of the time I spent with him. Our relationship was a beautiful, lovely thing that I look back on fondly, but I wish that my physical desires had been kept under wraps in order to spare me this awful need now…

I sure hope God knew what He was doing with that scenario, and I certainly hope He is making it better for Jonathan too.