Hope Rising

Tuesday night I got back from clinicals utterly exhausted, having no sympathy or any part of myself left to give.Two solid weeks of depression had rendered me able to get through the day and only to get through the day.

I had been formulating plans.Since no one seemed to care about me, I would isolate myself. Move to Colorado. Never have friends again. No, I would join an organization that would station me in a far away country, and I would use me services to change the world. Alone. Because frankly, it would be easier to never have friends than to deal with the disappointment of having no one when you needed them most.

I got home late, and realizing it was Fat Tuesday and I had yet to eat anything deep-fried, jelly-filled, or otherwise delivered straight from the pearly gates, I started yelling that a late night trip to Dom’s was in order. My roommate and potential future roommate acquiesced. Wait, wat? People cared?

Anyways, about 11 at night is when the Hipsters and the Christians invade Dom’s, so crushed between irony and childlike faith, we feasted on way too many delightful treats, and then proceeded home.

I woke up happy. Gone. Like I had never had any sad thing in my life ever. I forgave everyone who forgot about me, and started planning ways to get together with people. I got out of bed and got things done. I went about my life with a new lease on things. Then…. Valentine’s Day happened.

And you know what? I was still happy. Emptiness and the complete vacancy of happiness in my life taught this eternal optimist not to take happiness for granted. I have friends. I have know what romantic love was. I have a good life. My friends did care, and I got to eat chocolate.

It’s Friday, and I’m still happy. Cleaning the kitchen brought me joy, knowing that it would make my roommates happy, and would be a lovely place for me to be. When a friend who failed to be there for me needed someone to talk to, I was thrilled to help out.

Oh, and today I saw a vaginal birth. Holy eff, Batman. It was intense. I still think I can have kids someday, but, wow. It was a magnificent display of courage and strength on this mom’s behalf. I was utterly impressed. It made me change my mind about moving away and never associating with anyone ever… It would be hard to ever have children if I never had a husband ’cause I was afraid of disappointment, yah know?

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