Loneliness.

I like being alone. It’s nice to have time to myself to think things through and generally recharge myself before going out and doing fierce battles with the world. But loneliness is something that has sporadically plagued me for most of my life, and is hitting me hard right now.

But it’s not just being lonely and never has been. It’s the gut-twisting, tear-inducing, utterly heart-rending feeling that leaves me feeling too unfit and inadequate to bring anything of value. I look for someone to talk to, but there isn’t anyone. Not anymore, at least. I heartlessly dumped him and left him to pick up the pieces of his life without me. Turning to him would leave us both shattered again and again and again. The friend I though I could turn to became unstable and flaky, leaving me alone when I needed her most. My family is dealing with their own issues, and don’t need to hear the pathetic whining of a girl who really has no actual needs. Besides, they are rejoicing in the return of a long lost family member, and I don’t want to disrupt that with my temporary unhappiness.

And yet, I need someone. The Christian answer is to turn to God, and yet, I feel nothing. I know in my heart of hearts that loneliness happens and I need to learn to function despite it, but it doesn’t change the fact that my raw soul is starting to manifest as physical pain. It’s so unsettling, so painful to be in the place I’m at now. I can talk to God all I want, but at the end of the day, He is not a physical presence to talk back to me, to hug me, to let me know that He is there. I know He is there! I know! But I can’t feel it.

I need someone. But there hasn’t been someone in a long time. In my life, there has been a distinct pattern. I make a friend who becomes dear to me, my closet friend, my confidante, and then they leave abruptly. The move far away. The change schools. They promise to keep in touch and then don’t. Or they just change and are not the person I was so close with originally. People always leave, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that there will most likely never be anyone in my life long-term.

But when I’m feeling this way, it’s easy to forget that I came to terms with it. I look at my friends here at school, and realize that they aren’t like me. They don’t share my faith, or they share a strange alternative version of my faith, or they don’t talk about deep things, or on and on. I should have known. As a conservative Christian bordering on some extreme sect, I should have known that I wouldn’t find anyone like me. If I could just find one person like me, one person to take my side in this terribly hard battle. I didn’t expect that it would hurt so much.I have one good friend who goes out of her way to find me, listens to what I have to say, and picks me up and brushes me off, but when it comes down to it, she can’t relate to me and my faith. She is an atheist. She can’t grasp why I follow My God the way I do. I have a friend who does understand, but he is a guy. Guys and girls never stay close friends for long, and I am hesitant to let the relationship progress for fear of it falling apart when the inevitable happens.

How do I say this without being a dramatic girl, one who is just screaming for attention? I wish someone cared. I wish I could find someone like me. I wish I had something or someone that made me feel less empty. I wish I could stop crying.

“Go get help!” they say. What? Therapy with a shrink who doesn’t actually care? Medication until I can’t distinguish between what is my real emotions and what is just a chemical imbalance? Help where? Help from who? I can’t imagine any kind of “help” working for me. Where do I turn? The internet. I blog my heart away, revealing my deepest emotions to a glowing screen and a faceless audience, which more likely than not, doesn’t exist.

No one reads this blog I’m sure, but if you do, don’t worry about me. This will pass. It always does, and I will go back to mostly enjoying my more solitary existence. I will enjoy the surface level relationships that I have cultivated, and will work to keep anyone from connecting too deeply. I’m graduating in December, and I don’t see the point of making meaningful relationships that will just as abruptly end as they started. I’m lonely. It hurts.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: